Breaking Up

How do you know when it is time to break up? This is a general question, and in this case it is in relation to a roommate. Is there a definitive rule or can a certain line be drawn? Over several recent days I have pondered if the fairy tale is over. Could I be trying to hold on to something that just is not working for me?

It all came to a head last night. While watching a basketball game and small argument erupted. Not unlike a married couple we argued some minor detail. He attempted to refute my point, but misquoted me. When this takes place there is generally no third part to confirm or deny what had been said, but this time was different.

A friend of mine, and someone he had spent time around as well, had come to watch the game. It may not have been fair, but he ended up in the middle. This is so much like a married couple’s issue that I am actually quite concerned. In this case the third party stood behind my statement and argued that my roommate had misquoted me. Being more stubborn than any mule I have ever seen, he refuses defeat; even when he has clearly lost.

He made an attempt to move the argument off subject and I caught him and blocked it. Tensions were high and he took a cheap stab, saying that I talk like a woman. Then I was silent. He thought he had one, but I had to ponder the words. Had I just done what so many women had done to me before? Their acute memory for spoken word had beat be in many cases, and I now had acquired just that skill.

The curious thing is that I was most bothered by he continued denial. He knew he was wrong, I knew he was wrong, half of the room knew he was wrong, but he would never admit it. That may be something to think about if you are in a relationship or dare I suggest marriage.

I have been married, and I have been in relationships. I am currently in neither, but I am starting to feel like I am. We live, eat, and often spend time with each. Our hobbies are mostly mirrored and our circle of friends has been small, almost nonexistent. It was working well for a while.

You see, I was a recovering husband, and he had just moved to town. Neither of us really had any friends to speak of. I was deeply troubled and he was broke. We lived cheap and enjoyed life making light of our problems. Then something changed.

One day I woke up happy. In fact I woke up an hour before my alarm. The dark cloud of bills and the complications of a soured relationship started to part. It was at this point I started rekindling old friendships. I began to think of it as a social network I was building. At the same time I changed my diet, started reading books relentlessly, and simplified my life. I felt like I was back on top of life and taking it for a ride.

As the days and weeks progressed I worked out my positions on many topics. It was like a weight had been lifted. My thoughts were no longer suppressed and distanced from feelings. All at once they were converging and I was defining myself all over again. And then I realized the conflict within.

Some of the ideas I subscribed to and some of my actions were no longer in line with my belief system. It was an almost overnight change. To make it more difficult, my sudden change began to conflict with my roommates opinions. It was at this time the small debates began to rage over petty items. One day we argued the quantifiable difference between a chill and a shiver. Nobody won and the feud is still standing today.

For a long time I had been altogether agreeable and somewhat of a push over. What I came to learn is that when you start to grow a spine everyone is not going to like you. This was a tragic blow. Before, I was agreeable and likeable by most, although I was at odds with myself. So I chose to move forward and embrace what I was becoming.

This developed into a lifestyle headed down different paths. My interests were changing and our aspiration had long been quite discordant. I started to feel like we were no longer a match made in heaven. Yes we should be friends, but I was no longer gaining much in this arrangement.

My disdain began to build as small details were all around me and eager to collect on this snowball rolling down the hill. It may sound petty, but the man failed to take part in household chores. I fault myself to some degree for not being more vocal, but he is a grown man and I am not his mother.

I had cleaned the bathroom many times and he had not. I had cleaned the stove often, and he left grease and food all over it without regard. The stains in the carpet were multiplying and they were starting to get to me now. Everything in the place I lived was gnawing at my soul. It was round two for me. I had lived in the same place with my wife a year earlier and unhappily at that. Now here I was again.

So here I sit today feeling uneasy and tight in the chest. To my benefit the lease on the townhouse is over and we are technically paying month to month, but we talked about signing a six month lease about 2 weeks ago. I feel slightly relieved, but still uptight. Am I ready to move? Where will I move? What about my dog?

I drew up a mental plan this morning. I could send the dog to live with a friend in the worst case, and Craigslist is burgeoning with people who need roommates. Besides, I am tired of the commute and want to live closer to work and downtown anyhow. It all makes sense, but it also seems so sudden.

The bottom line is right now I want out. Cutting my losses, making hard decisions has been a folly for me and I plan to escape this pitfall going forward. I am ready to move on. It is a bit sad. His financial situation could be better and I know he doesn’t want to move, but I do.

My thoughts culminated into a single question. How much should we care about others? I am not religious and life is so short. Being miserable just is not worth it. Sometimes you have to take charge of your life. This is relatively small stuff. It is the stuff that may frustrate others, but it is not ethically or morally wrong.

I talk a big game, but I am not ready to move forward. I need a few days to think and contemplate. Why is it so hard to admit you want it to be over? I know I am passive, so until my mind is made and I get the courage up to confront it I will just resort to selling some of my belongings and start packing a few things up. Even if I don’t move I need to get rid of something.